Saturday, April 30, 2011

Anything for the "maybe baby"

This is the new mantra at our house as I've had quite a day of discomfort from the meds. We tried a different protocol than the last two rounds for the 2nd half of the cycle since I reacted pretty badly both times. Apparently my body is just determined to swell up no matter what we do. So as I down my electrolytes, protein and salty foods (yes, this is the bizarre diet that combats the swelling) I keep telling myself we've come this far we'll do anything for the maybe baby. Now if that maybe baby could just turn into a really happening baby, it would be a lot easier to endure the discomfort...Only one more week until we know!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Going public

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week and I've been trying to figure out how to support the cause and take some sort of action, because infertility is, quite frankly a serious pain in the ass (figuratively in all the time and monetary aspects and literally considering the giant butt bruises that I have from the shots).   What I realized is that a few weeks ago at my fertility yoga class, we were ranting about how all these celebrities that are obviously having fertility treatments to start off their families at the age of 40 and raking in the twins don't ever speak up. As much as I wish they didn't need to, there is a little power in being a celebrity that means that they can get people to listen. The problem is that for them $15,000 treatments are a drop in the bucket, so it doesn't seem like an issue that needs to be spoken for, it's just something you do when you want to have a family and your eggs are melting away before your eyes. The part I realized when I was thinking about what I could do is why should it be them that speak up when I don't even tell some of the people that I'm closest to.

So I've decided I'm going public with our struggle, well at least a little public, I'm going to share the link to this blog with the majority of my e-mail list and encourage them and you to pass it on. Those of your who are friends or followers feel free to share my story because: 

  • Inferility affects 7.3 million people in the U.S. (1 in 8 couples or 12% of the women of childbearing age) (2002 National Survey of Family Growth)
  • Only 15 States have passed laws to require insurance companies to cover at least some level of fertility treatments, Minnesota is not one of them. 
  • Offering a comprehensive infertility treatment benefit with appropriate utilization controls may actually reduce costs and improve outcomes by eliminating the inappropriate use of costly covered procedures and allowing specialists to use the most effective, efficient treatment for a specific type of infertility. (Infertility As A Covered Benefit, William M. Mercer, 1997
The only thing that I ask if you pass this on is that you don't link straight to it on Facebook, please share via e-mail. So that's what I mean by going 'a little' public, I'll see when we feel ready to share with the facebook world, but for now I'm going to take action by spreading my story in a slightly less in your face manner. For  further facts about infertility go  to and for my last side note, you will notice that until today I have also spoken of "fertility challenges" rather than "infertility" and this will be the one and only post that you see me use the "i" word in simply because that's what the special week is called. 

Monday, April 25, 2011

Lessons in talking to someone who has fertility challenges

So your friend/family member has told you that they are struggling to conceive. What do you say (or not say) next. First of all, if they chose to tell you about their challenges, they are willing to talk about them with you, but it does not give you permission to talk about them with others. You should also remember that if your friend is going through fertility treatments she is injecting or swallowing varying levels of hormones on a daily basis, which means her emotional ability to chat with you with or without tears is questionable from one day to the next. (Side note: If I have shared this blog with you; you aren't the people I'm talking about in the "what not to say" examples)

Some things are just meant to be left unsaid.
#1 Infertile-In any form..."I didn't know you were infertile", "how does it feel to be infertile?" Pretty much, the word infertile implies CAN'T conceive, not will have trouble and need help better examples would be "I didn't know you were having trouble getting pregnant", or "Wow, how are you feeling about all of this?"
#2 "If you just relaxed..." I can't tell you the number of people who just think I've stressed myself into not getting pregnant, or thought too hard about it. Sorry kids, I have a diagnosable medical condition that affects the fertility of thousands of women each year-relaxing is not going to make it go away and therefore relaxing is not going to get me pregnant, not to mention I've managed to stay pretty chill about the whole process so it's just plain silly.
#3 "Why don't you just adopt" or "You'd be a great adoptive mom" The first and simplest answer to this is that insurance covers the $3000/cycle treatments that we're doing right doesn't cover the 30,000 that we are facing if we adopt. You can't just say "I want a baby so who's got a baby for me." The process is long and expensive and we are more than willing to go down that road and would be happy to do so, but please,  don't imply that becoming a parent by adoption is something you can "just do." As for the second statement, I really hope that I'll be a great mom regardless of how we get there.

As for what to do:
#1 Listen: If a friend has shared their struggles with you, lend an ear, not advice.
#2 Inquire on how it's all going. One of my good friends says, " so where are you guys at today?" instead of the "are you pregnant yet?" that I've gotten from others. Most days of this process are not about being pregnant, they are about getting your shots right, knowing how your lining or follicles are doing, and what appointments that you have to be at. Focus on how your friend is feeling overall, not on whether or not she is pregnant.
#3 Think positive with them and for them. Tell them about what a great mom (or dad) they will be, dream about baby names and nurseries with them, tell them success stories from other families and friends who struggled--not the urban legend ones "as soon as they filed for adoption, they got pregnant," although some of our good friends are real life examples of that (and now have 2 beautiful babies that are very close in age), the realistic stats for that happening are not promising. So when I say share success stories, I mean actual people in your circle of friends, coworkers or family, not my neighbor's, daughter's boss stories!
#4 You are allowed to bring the subject up, but also be prepared to drop it. For me, most days I am pretty free about what we're going through with the people that I've chosen to share with, but there are days here and there where I just can't go there-I have to live my life without thinking of fertility that day or it's been an extra bummer of a day and I can't talk about it without being a blubbering mess and I will make it pretty clear when the subject is off limits. So don't be afraid to bring it up, your friend has shared their struggles with you because they would like or need your support, but understand that if they shut the subject right back down, it's just one of those days.

This post is already getting very long, but I have one last short, but very important piece to add. If you have friends who have been together a while but don't have kids, please stop asking them "when are you guys going to have children?" or saying to them at family functions or gatherings with your circle of friends, "you know, you guys are next..." They may just be seeking pregnancy and struggling and every time those questions are asked, it's painful and uncomfortable to come up with an answer. Sorry this post is kind of a rant, but I really meant it, friends that I've shared this blog with, don't feel like you have to go back and analyze all of our conversations for the last year, you've all done just fine, but some of you have admitted you don't know what to say or what not to say so I figured this could help!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

a BIG day!

So this was our big morning. At 8 am we had our IUI and for the last 12 hours I stayed horizontal and thought pregnant thoughts and dreamed pregnant dreams. I'll get to know whether or not motherhood is in my future in 9 months by Mother's Day. There's a lot of hope in my world today, we had four good eggs, how can we not catch one of those, right?

Friday, April 22, 2011


I'm writing a blog about blogging today. I only started this blog a couple of weeks ago after my acupuncturist suggested doing some reflective writing about this journey, since I'm a better typist than hand writer, I decided on the blog format, and I'm so glad I did.There's something about writing knowing that others will read it that makes you contemplate your words in a whole new way; even if I've kept my followers very limited, I still know my words may affect someone else. I also didn't think I'd have much to say since every time I tried to start something written in my life I've ended up doodling and at a loss for words. It's rather hard to doodle on the blogger screen so I'm stuck with words and trying to find them and, you may have noticed, I did find my words and each time I look at a post I can't believe that I had that much to say. When I sit down I usually feel like I don't have anything to write at first and just before I close up my computer to come back to it another time a word will pop into my head which turns into sentences and paragraphs.

I love that I've written these words down. As I look forward to our final fertility treatment for a while or forever, I've sat and read the entire blog this morning and it makes me proud. This is a story I want to share, this is a story that shows my strength and my resolve, and this is a story that our future children can one day read (don't worry I won't traumatize them with all this info in their freaky teen years) and know how very, very loved and wanted they are. This is also a story that brings me hope, I know our journey to children regardless of how they come into our lives, will eventually bare fruit. This is a journey that has a happy ending, we just don't know what it is yet. 

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Official Release Date....

will be Saturday, April 23rd! I'm trying not to think too much about the significance of the next 48 hours. This is really it; this works or our path will be taking a pretty drastic turn. The funny part is right now I'm really at peace with whatever happens. I've done everything possible to prepare my body and if it's going to work, it will work, if not, then not and we move on and we find another way to grow our family.  Here's to having everything work out exactly as it is supposed to.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Timing and finding the time

I think one of the things that people don't understand about fertility treatment is how important the timing of it all is, and how much of that timing is dictated by your body---you can load it up with all the drugs you want but in the end, your body will decide what's going on and when and it all really comes down to one 24 hour period when the egg (or in our case eggs) is released. The first cycle of all this, the idea of appointments every 3 days and changing medications and dosages based on daily blood draws is overwhelming, but then it just becomes part of the routine. The first time I was so stressed about how it was going to all work with my job and the rest of  my life, but I've learned "it is what it is" just like any other medical condition. My body is going to dictate what comes next and, if it so happens that any of this falls on an inopportune day, I'll just work around it and sometimes that means help and support from family, friends, and coworkers.

The main thing that I've learned is when you tell people what you are going through, they are very accommodating and I haven't had a single person frustrated with me because of a changed commitment. The only thing that has changed in our life since some people at work and most of my friends know what is going on, is that we have a bigger cheering section. We often think of fertility as such a taboo subject, but so far I haven't seen anyone squirm when I talk about it, but I certainly have seen people care. I guess that just goes to show the amazing people that I have in my life.

Now for timing this time around, we are days away from our IUI and according to my bloodwork and ultrasound this morning we're looking at somewhere between Friday and Sunday (again we have no say over this, changing medications will only dictate so much), the specific day will be determined by my body. So Friday night we have a show, Saturday night I close the store I work at, and Sunday is Easter...I guess this is going to have to be one of those times where people are just understanding and accommodating, and I have to trust that it will work out exactly as my body planned it. Stay tuned: official release date TBD on Thursday...

Sunday, April 17, 2011


I've watched this clip over and over this weekend and will keep this post very short. I had the honor of working with this performing artist at the conference I was at and she is an incredibly beautiful person in so many ways. While I was looking to connect with her over a project I would like to bring to our school district, I came across this video accidentally. Her words about our relationship to our bodies resonated with me so much in light of all we are going through right now. So here it is, Chelsea Gregory on Bodies:

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Got Privilege?

(warning: I'm getting on my soapbox now)

For the last three days, I had the privilege of attending an eye opening conference working for social justice and examining the existence of white privilege in our society and our institutions and learning how to speak out and be a part of the change that will be so very necessary for our future lives together on this planet. Interestingly enough, the beginning of my interest in addressing white privilege and work in this topic came in my struggles with fertility.

During one of  the evenings in my Fertile Grounding Yoga workshop, our focus was on clean living. All of the hot environmental topics (BPA in plastics and can linings, cleaning products with untested chemicals that could do who knows what to our bodies, pesticides in produce and growth hormones in our meats that directly affect reproductive health) were all part of the discussion. This enraged me, but not for myself and my fertility struggles. All I could think of, as we had this discussion was my students, my students who arrive at school every day and are handed a breakfast FULL of these chemicals and then a lunch FULL of more of it and they don't have a choice. I can attend a workshop and become more educated on healthy living and make choices to improve my life and the life of my future children, but my students, who rely on free and reduced lunch for two meals a day have to take what we give them and we give them chemicals that could effect their health for years to come. The major harm that most of these chemicals in our world cause, is in the area of reproductive health, and even more frightening reproductive cancers. I have the PRIVILEGE to choose what I allow to enter my home and my body, many of my students do not. I have the privilege to be able to afford to buy the majority of my groceries from the co-op and grow my own food, many of my students do not.

Prejudice is often thought of in the way we think about and treat one another, but it is frightening how much more systemic it is than that. The majority of the members of our staff truly believe that ALL children can learn and want to create a safe environment for that to happen in, but when our free and reduced lunch program puts our students at risk for major health problems down the line, or more immediately, obesity, asthma and diabetes, how  can we say that we are giving them ALL a fair shake at a quality future. In light of this, a month or so after this workshop, a colleague who I have a great amount of respect for, asked the staff who would like to be part of a Professional Learning Community (PLC) surrounding the topic of privilege. The night where I went home from my workshop and cried for my students who don't have the privilege to choose immediately came to my mind and I jumped on the opportunity to be part of something that may take the first steps to make changes in our school and community.  I'm so very thankful for colleagues who have the strength to call it what it is and get the discussion started and can't wait to see what we can do with the fire that this conference has lit.

I heard so many amazing and eloquent speakers address this topic of privilege over the last 3 days and hope that this little post did justice to the topic in my own less eloquent and probably grammatically incorrect manner. I'm off my soapbox, for now, but you can be rest assured that I'm not going to stop fighting.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Healing energy our way please!

So this post is dedicated to the baby that I already have, my 5 year old border collie. She has helped me train for marathons, curled up with me for the greatest naps ever, listened to me rant about all sorts of things I don't torture humans with, and just generally loved me unconditionally for the last 5 years. She is my baby and I love her with all my heart and she is in the U's ICU tonight getting IV fluids and antibiotics after being diagnosed with gastroenteritis. We are told she will be fine, but I made the mistake of contacting Dr. Google when I got home and now I'm pretty sure I won't be doing much sleeping tonight. So please send all your healing thoughts to my sweet Jovian tonight!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

An Easter Egg

First of all, the cysts are gone! It was a huge relief as he typed left ovary-quiet, right ovary-quiet on the screen this morning. I was very nervous that we'd be told 3 more weeks on birth control, but that is not the case. So the cycle has officially begun and we're trying to slow my body down a little bit this time so Dr. P. says he's going to be a bit edgy and follow the lead of some European researchers that are splitting vials of menopur in half and giving it over 2 days. It's funny, he always asks me if I'm on board or what I think, which is a very nice courtesy, but really I'm just going to have to defer to his wisdom on this--I just haven't spent my life measuring uterine linings and egg development so I really think I'll leave that up to the professionals and just do what they tell me. At any rate, with a little bit of a slower approach as the goal, our estimated IUI day is over Easter weekend...seems like the perfect time to create the perfect egg! (or eggs as it may be...)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Just deal with it! Ok.

This will be short and sweet. Tomorrow I officially start my next round of injections leading up to our IUI. Things I have to look forward to for the next couple of weeks:

  • Getting up at the crack of dawn for ultrasounds every three days. 
  • Bruises all over my abdomen
  • Not fitting into my jeans (I just got back into them about a week ago after the last round) 
  • Headaches
  • Exhaustion
  • Crying at anything that makes me the least bit stressed out (sorry guys in the band--it's not you, it's the drugs)

I have to laugh when I look at this list, because, truly, my first exposure to fertility treatments was when Pheobe on "Friends" surrogates for her brother and she goes in they put in the embryos and she puts her legs up for a while and 3 hours later pees on a stick and she's pregnant....Still one of my favorite shows, but, wow, do I see that episode in a different light now that I know what it's really like!

Funny part is, these are certainly things I would be whining and complaining about if they happened for any other reason,  but when it's for a possible future child, you just suck it up and remind yourself what you're in it for here. I think there's a little bit of that motherly instinct, that "anything for your child" attitude that sinks in even before your little one is here or even on the way. So here we go again, bring on the bruises and the tears and the early morning exams, I'll do anything for you, my future little one.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Regrets? Not on your life!

So anyone who has had issues with fertility and shared those issues with people who have not experienced fertility challenges knows you have to be braced for a whole myriad of questions or advice that are often unsolicited, uninformed or insensitive or all of the above. One of my favorites is "Do you regret having put off having children for so long?" First of all I'm 34, Marty's 33 and we started seeking pregnancy when I was 33, he 32. Does that sound like putting off a family in 2011?...I guess I thought we were right in the middle of the norm. Second, I didn't know we were "putting anything off?" We were getting an education, traveling the world, starting careers, buying a house, getting married, hanging out with our friends. We weren't putting off children, we were busy living our life!

As for the word regret. I have strong feelings about that word. I certainly have done things and had remorse or felt sorry for having done them, but regret, nope. I believe the choices we make in life, the good ones and the bad ones, all have a place in making us who we are. I mean even when I look at some of the dumbest choices of my younger years I can see where they have formed my life today. Take the years where I was a smoker, for example,  most definitely a dumb choice, but I can start a list of the people that I know today because I met them outside of Haas Fine Arts Center or Schneider Hall at UW-Eau Claire on repeated occasions because they, too,  made the same rotten choice. I may no longer be a smoker and I may have outgrown that choice (along with most of the friends I'm thinking of), but  many of those people are still my closest  friends and I will never regret having made a choice, good or bad that brought them into my life.

Now regret, in connection with fertility, No Way! I'm so very ready to be a parent today and, when that happens, I'll be overcome by emotions I can't even begin to imagine, but I would never give up the life I've lived to have started the journey sooner. I will be a totally different parent today than I would have been in my 20s and I think that makes up for any extra work we have to do to get there. Not to mention, that there's no guarantees that my youth would have made getting pregnant any easier. I have endometriosis and I had all the signs of that in high school, too (that's another story for another time). Pregnancy was bound to be a challenge,  regardless of age, so becoming parents when we're ready, on our terms is exactly as it is supposed to be. When I look at the relationship I have with Marty, and how it has grown in the year and a half since we were driving down the road and he mentioned that it was time to have kids, I can't imagine this road having been any easier. We are Team Kokes working towards a common goal in a way we've never been before, there is no question that all we've been through will make us stronger parents in whatever way that comes to us.

So to answer the question, "Do you regret putting off having children for so long?" Absolutely not! Not for one second!

Friday, April 8, 2011

Getting Excited...Again...

Well, we just finished our little break to let my body recover from our last injectible cycle and that means we're off to the races again! This is the time when I let myself get excited. I dream of what our little family is going to look like, the funny part is I've dreamed of a thousand families that could be our future one. Sometimes we've got a little boy, sometimes we've got a girl, sometimes there are twins or sometimes two or three of different ages, sometimes the children look like Marty, sometimes they look like me, sometimes they look like there own little people and nothing like either of us. All I know is, when I dream, as we gear up for a new cycle, I dream of our growing family and I think this could be it, we could be one short month away from turning a new page in our  journey  towards meeting the actual children that will be in our future. I know that one day my children will not be dream children and my family will not be a dream family so as we head into a new cycle, I treasure my real family that stands by me today and hopes with me today....again.

Thursday, April 7, 2011


Maintaining sanity when seeking pregnancy becomes a challenge can be, well a challenge! For me, the key to maintaining sanity has been to find the balance (I know yesterday was about balance, but I guess it comes into play a lot these days) between acknowledging and spending time working towards fertility through fertility focused activities and finding diversions that are completely exclusive of fertility.

Each week I get an acupuncture treatment that should help with the endometriosis pain and maximize fertility at the same time. I try to make as many meals that follow the guidelines that my acupuncturist has shared as fertility friendly, but I have to admit I let myself slip here and there...I love a big piece of good old fashioned take out pizza and ice cream is not on my list, but I definitely have a weakness there. After reading "Making Babies: A proven 3-month program for maximizing fertility," I  found a little piece of advice from Jill Blakeway, the acupuncturist co-author, that has been priceless for maintaining sanity..."80% is perfection." So basically the idea is you do exactly what you are supposed to maintain maximum fertility about 80% of the time.  It allows you to give yourself a break once and a while and remember that it's necessary to just live your life without thinking about your fertility once and a while. The other critical part of caring for my fertility and my sanity is attending a fertility focused yoga class. This class gives me both the chance to care for my health and move in a way that optimizes fertility, but also a place to find community and share the good days and the bad with women who understand.

Now, to diversions, the other half of maintaining sanity. I have found that the things I love to do have become even more important as we all need times where we are not thinking about fertility at all. I take lots of walks with my dogs and enjoy the fact that I live in a great neighborhood with beautiful parks. I play music with some old friends in a little band called Thought Thieves; hanging out with the boys, writing songs and playing music together is a big diversion from the worries in our life. When I have time I love to read and my monthly book club with some of my best girlfriends is an amazing night off from thinking about fertility, it's a time when I get to discuss literature and take a step back in time to my years as a student-discussing books and art. My job itself can be all encompassing diversion when we have the weeks with art shows, conferences, or grades due and since those weeks come and go, they are a welcome break from fertility when I just focus on being a professional. I can't wait for summer because then I get to add my favorite diversions of creating art and gardening to my days!

Speaking of to band practice! I got so caught up in this I'm going to be a bit late.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


The journey to a family sometimes feels like you are walking a tightrope making sure you find your balance each step of the way. Early on, it's just simply remembering that you still have a life-a job, a husband, friends, pets, hobbies. I never thought seeking pregnancy would make me lose my mind, but once my mind was set on a family, I found myself not worried about the rest. I was surfing the trying to conceive blogs, dreaming of what the nursery would look like and  had a hard time focusing on anything else. It took time to find that balance and find myself in the journey. One month, when we discovered we were unsuccessful yet again, I asked Marty why it didn't bother him when it didn't work out he said, "because we have a pretty good life, not that it won't still be a good life when we have kids, but our life will change so I'll be happy when it works and in the meantime I'll enjoy what we have going." He has been great all along at living life in the meantime.

As the journey moves on and the treatments begin, you know that pregnancy isn't going to come easily, but that you can't lose hope along the way. One of the hardest places to find balance is keeping yourself positive and hopeful through a cycle, but also just realistic enough that you don't come crashing down too far if it doesn't work or something gets put on hold. I've learned to take a day to grieve when I know our cycle has failed, but to have something to look forward to (a night out with friends, a favorite yoga class, a movie I've been wanting to see) to get me back on track. 

Finding balance seems to be taking a new turn as we face our last cycle covered by insurance. We know we need to focus on the cycle at hand and give all of the positive energy at hand to making it work, but it's a little hard to not look forward knowing that when the insurance money is gone we have some big decisions to make--do we try more IUI's that we pay for ourselves, do we move to adoption or IVF? So for now we push those thoughts to the back corners of the brain and focus on today. We know that this cycle will lead to a new chapter in our journey, but for now we wait and see how that chapter will read. 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


When we embarked on this journey there were a couple of close friends that I told, let them know "we've pulled the goalie and we're pretty excited." At that time, I didn't think I'd share any of this with co-workers, or family members until we could surprise them with the good news. Over time though my circle of support has grown and I'm so very thankful for those who've become a part of my life on this journey and when I think of the purpose of our struggle, I also think of the people I wouldn't know if our journey hadn't been a rocky one.

In our very first month of seeking pregnancy, we actually succeeded, but we found out in a backwords way through a blood test that I was pregnant, even though I thought I had my period--it was a miscarriage, very early but a miscarriage nonetheless. That led me to Doctor Google of course where I found the baby center forums and a thread about surviving a Chemical Pregnancy and another thread with some witty name about creating our little Firecrackers (if we'd gotten pregnant that next month we would have had a July due date). Well needless to say those particular threads are gone, but those women became an integral source of support and encouragement through this and are now people I consider my friends even though I've only met one of them in real life. We actually have  private forums for both of those groups now so we can continue to follow each others journeys to parenthood and beyond. Almost everyone on both of my threads have their little ones or have little ones on the way and, one way or another, I hope to join them soon. These women were an integral source of support early on when I didn't want anyone in our real life to know what we were going through until we surprised them with news of our success and have continued to cheer me on and fill me with hope each time we embark on a new phase of our journey.

It was during this time, in our first 6 months of seeking fertility that it became quite clear that something wasn't quite right with me and my source of support came from an amazing OB/Gyn who finally gave a name to my pain and eventually did a laproscopic surgery to diagnose and remove endometriosis and gave me a reprieve  from the pain that I'd been experiencing. During this time family support entered the picture as the closest women of my life were no longer out of the loop. After all, I was having surgery and whose mother wouldn't kill them if they found out you had surgery and kept them in the dark?! Certain things mothers, sisters and mothers-in law expect to be able to support you through so my circle of support grew from a few very close friends, to my on-line circle, to my family.

Although all of these supporters gave it there all, there was one thing missing and that was a community of women who don't just sympathize with me, but are actually going through it with me. In search of this, I found an amazing Fertile Grounding Yoga workshop with the great Jennifer Coletti as an instructor. These classes and the workshop connected me to a support group of real life women, going through real life fertility challenges right along side me and these women are now among the greatest of supporters. They are an inspiration of hope and they will all be amazing mothers one day.

I can't imagine embarking on this journey without support and at first all I needed was a couple of friends cheering us on, but as our road to parenthood got steeper, and my circle of support got wider, I realized that the world where fertility or lack of is hush hush  is a dangerous place. I don't know how I'd pull myself out of the days when our hopes were dashed if I didn't have all of these people to pick me up and most of all an amazing husband that knows just how to make me laugh find the lighter side of life-He is most definitely my balance and helps me put one foot in front of the other on the hard days and enjoy the easy ones to the fullest.

Monday, April 4, 2011


So in September of 2009, Marty and I were driving (this is where all serious discussions initiated by Marty occur), and he starts rambling about this new money/budgeting website that is just amazing and I'm thinking "woohoo, like I'd keep up with that any better than I do any of my current online calendars and accounts...fat chance." Well he winds it around and  ends up very practically, in true Marty fashion, sharing that his big discovery while creating our lifelong budget on was that we should have kids now. My response to this was a shrieked "NOW?!" Not that I didn't want children, I did, I just totally always thought I would find ready before my husband did, never thought it would be HIS idea. So I said I had to think about it, talk to my doctor, all that make sure I'm ready business, but little did I know that trying for children NOW didn't mean that you were going to get children NOW. Also, I have to say, that the minute that I came around to the idea a switch flipped and we were all in, and when NOW proved to be months from NOW or years from NOW, I found myself dumbfounded and shocked that this same body that had climbed Mount Fuji for me, run marathons for me, danced in front of hundreds of people for me was NOW going to fail me.

So that all started in September of 2009 and the real question is where are we NOW in  April of 2011, 18 months past NOW and the answer is embarking on our 3rd round of injectable treatments and 2nd IUI and our final round covered by insurance. Up until now, we've been going with the flow doing what doctors say is best and hoping they can help us get right what we can't seem to on our own. It started with a laporoscopic surgery in June of 2010 to diagnose and remove painful endometriosis and cysts. Then everything just went whacky in my body and I had to take Clomid for four months to get everything working right again and when that didn't take it was time to make the move from my OB/Gyn to a Reproductive Endocrinologist who could take us to the next steps. Those next steps mean ultrasounds and blood draws every three days for the first half of my cycle while giving myself injections to control the growth of extra follicles (eggs) that will hopefully be super eggs and go racing straight for Marty's super sperm (which we have actually confirmed that he has....lucky guy!) and then the dreaded two week wait to find out if it all worked and as of now the devastating day when we find out it didn't. So where are we NOW? We are trying to be really hopeful that this time around (quite possibly our last, because of funding and the insurance cut off) will take, that this time around will end with a gleeful day, not a devastating one, that this time around we'll see that beautiful test that reads in perfect little letters, "Pregnant."

This is our journey to grow our family so far, we don't know what twists it will take and we take it one day at a time because we've learned we can't have it all NOW! Some masterpieces take years to perfect and our little Kokes, where ever he or she (or they given the treatments we're going through) is,  has been working on making sure we don't for one second forget how very important they are when they finally arrive!